Too much.
Sometimes I just have too much to do. I am in so much pain all the time and it gets so old. I wish that death were an option. But it isn't...so I just go on with too much all the time.
Leadership
I am a lousy leader. I get little or no support from my staff. I try to lead like the Savior did, kindness and understanding, but really, I have never had a single leader come to the leadership meeting with me. What can I do to increase their sense of responsibility? I am obviously not cut out for this calling as far as leading women go. What is wrong with me?
Airplane
So I heard an airplane flying over the house, and dang, I wanted it to hit me. How nuts it that?
My father
My father and I never saw things in the same light. I wouldn't exactly say we didn't get along, but things were strained between him and I. He didn't much approve of who I married, how I worshiped, what I did, and so many other things. I gave up trying to please him decades ago when I realized that nothing would make him happy. My dad just likes to have things his way, and I didn't agree with him. So we are not what I would call close. He did bring me here to Earth though, and I love my life here on Earth. He and my mother made sure I didn't die and they taught me many useful things. Now mortality stares my dad in the face. He smoked for decades. His life was hard. It was hard for my dad in so many ways. I think he was bipolar. I know he suffers from depression. Growing up I remember going camping and going for rides, but more often I remember anger and hurt, physically and mentally. I have been scared for life from the things my father thought were acceptable. I still have nightmares about some things that he did. I have gotten over most of the abuse, but it's hard for me to forget the pain. I stay away from my dad mostly. I have panic attacks when I see him. Now he has had a second heart attack and he is going to die. Soon. Maybe this week. I don't know. I have to figure this all out. Ugh.
Close call
Wow, I went of my meds for a while. BIG MISTAKE! I thought I would be ok, but no, two months after stopping them, I crashed big time. I mean crashed ... mentally, physically, emotionally. i nearly lost it. I turned to God, thank God. He in HIs infinite love and wisdom gave me the answer I needed so much. I need those meds. I can't do it without them. Now I have been back on them for nearly a month and life is back to being pretty good. Thank God always for His love.
“I know that man is nothing”
“It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed” (Moses 1:10).
•How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?
Moses had seen God, and felt the strength and power of God, he realized that compared to God, he was nothing, he had no strength, no power.
•How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?
A child is of infinite worth because of their innocence and their dependance upon parents. They can do nothing without their parents, they are completely and totally dependent upon their parents for everything.
•Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.
I have tried many things to loose weight and nothing works. I finally have given up. I realize that I cannot do this without God's help. I cannot do anything without God's help. I am nothing. I can do nothing. I am like a child, lost, forgotten and without guidance. I need God's help to overcome this addiction I have to food. I cannot control my cravings. I cannot control my appetite. I cannot control myself. I get so hungry. I want so much to eat everything. I binge and binge and binge. How can I control this? It is quite obvious, I can't. I need God's help, His redeeming power to save me.
•How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?
Moses had seen God, and felt the strength and power of God, he realized that compared to God, he was nothing, he had no strength, no power.
•How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?
A child is of infinite worth because of their innocence and their dependance upon parents. They can do nothing without their parents, they are completely and totally dependent upon their parents for everything.
•Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.
I have tried many things to loose weight and nothing works. I finally have given up. I realize that I cannot do this without God's help. I cannot do anything without God's help. I am nothing. I can do nothing. I am like a child, lost, forgotten and without guidance. I need God's help to overcome this addiction I have to food. I cannot control my cravings. I cannot control my appetite. I cannot control myself. I get so hungry. I want so much to eat everything. I binge and binge and binge. How can I control this? It is quite obvious, I can't. I need God's help, His redeeming power to save me.
Encompassed by temptations
“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. “And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. “He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).
•Do you feel encompassed or trapped?
Yes, I not only feel encompassed by sin, sloth and gluttony, I am filled with the stink of it. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to change. I am so weak and I am so tired. I don't understand how I can live my life like this. I am either driving my family away, thus trapping myself in the terror that has become my life, or I am including them with me. I am like a woman in a pit, A filthy pit of despair and sorrow from which I cannot escape.
•When do you feel this way most often?
Whenever there is the threat of someone coming to my home. Whenever I want to stuff my face with whatever disgusting food I can find. Whenever I am alone and sad. All the time in fact. I don't believe there is a time I don't feel trapped. A time I don't feel alone.
•When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust?
Nephi trusts in the Lord. He knows that God is there to support him and to lead him through his afflictions. He felt God's love deeply, unto the consuming of his flesh. Oh that I could feel that love.
•What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?
I don't know ... Believe that He loves me? Even when my unworthy feelings tell me that He doesn't, that He can't love me. Believe His words. Obey His commandments. It seems to me that through obedience to His laws and finding the courage to trust Him and see His love for me that I would be placing more trust in Him. The big question is how do I do that?
•Do you feel encompassed or trapped?
Yes, I not only feel encompassed by sin, sloth and gluttony, I am filled with the stink of it. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to change. I am so weak and I am so tired. I don't understand how I can live my life like this. I am either driving my family away, thus trapping myself in the terror that has become my life, or I am including them with me. I am like a woman in a pit, A filthy pit of despair and sorrow from which I cannot escape.
•When do you feel this way most often?
Whenever there is the threat of someone coming to my home. Whenever I want to stuff my face with whatever disgusting food I can find. Whenever I am alone and sad. All the time in fact. I don't believe there is a time I don't feel trapped. A time I don't feel alone.
•When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust?
Nephi trusts in the Lord. He knows that God is there to support him and to lead him through his afflictions. He felt God's love deeply, unto the consuming of his flesh. Oh that I could feel that love.
•What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?
I don't know ... Believe that He loves me? Even when my unworthy feelings tell me that He doesn't, that He can't love me. Believe His words. Obey His commandments. It seems to me that through obedience to His laws and finding the courage to trust Him and see His love for me that I would be placing more trust in Him. The big question is how do I do that?
Men are STUPID
I don't understand it either. How can men be so stupid? They are just idiots ... Mine included.
I need someone to talk to.
God, I can't afford counseling, I have no person that I can trust with my innermost feelings. God answers me not and speaks not to me. Where shall I turn? Whom will help me in my greatest need? Who can I trust? Oh feel that I am, there is no one. Nothing matters, I should just go back on the cymbalta and take the pills to my dying day, at least then I am numb enough to function in life without this despair.
Sad
I am so sad. My heart hurts. I feel the swelling feelings of unhappiness and even despair. I live a life of gluttony and hedonism. How did this happen to me? How did everything else become so important in my life? What can I do to change this? I am so incredibly alone and so incredibly sad. It feels like nothing can or will ever change. I live in squalor and filth. I dwell in loneliness and misery. How do I change it. Can I change it. Will God change it? By small and simple things great things are brought to pass. So it would seem not to me. I cannot even do the small and simple things to bring to pass greatness. I am so unhappy. yet I know that I deserve not happiness. I have done too much. I have been gone too long from home. When will this endless hell be over. This endless sorrow and misery of a life I live. Let it end.
Gluttony
I think I am a glutton. How can it be that I find food more important than anything? I watched the six wives of henry the viii and it showed how he ate, gluttonous and disgusting. I think I am like that. fat, gluttonous, disgusting. I have no appeal to my husband. I am a huge obese disgusting glutton. I don't know how to change either.
I hate ward council....
I always leave feeling like I am not good enough. I feel that everyone else is doing better than I am. It is really miserable...Cuz I know I do good. I am doing better than the past few presidents have done. I work hard and I am responsible. I just hate knowing all the bad stuff that is going on in the lives of my friends...and the other people I know.
Alone
You know, I was talking with my family this afternoon about being alone. I could do the alone thing. It would probably be better for my family if I could leave them. I am a lousy mother and grandmother. Even worse at being a daughter and sister and cousin and aunt. Then even worse at being a friend. I am so tired of not being good enough, not being able to take care of myself or anyone else. If I were alone, then maybe I would not hurt so many people. If I died God would punish me. Eternal punishment. But who am I kidding, I am headed that way anyway. I can't measure up to the high standards of God's kingdom here on earth let alone in anything like heaven. I would never kill myself, but oh how much I wish I could die. An accident. Am illness. I would not, will not fight death. I should be taken and put out of the world's misery.
Can I win the prize?
Mosiah 4:27 man should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize.
Diligent. Not really a word I think I would use to describe myself. Patient maybe. Kind, yes. Diligent, hardworking, not so much. God, I have so much I need to do to be better. I really do. And I try hard, but it doesn't work so much. Not so much at all.
Diligent. Not really a word I think I would use to describe myself. Patient maybe. Kind, yes. Diligent, hardworking, not so much. God, I have so much I need to do to be better. I really do. And I try hard, but it doesn't work so much. Not so much at all.
Realization
Today I realized that there is no one who loves me more than they love themselves. I mean, how miserable is that. I ran out of medications last night and gave Robert the last tylenol. Today, he pulls two tylenol from his coat pocket. Did he ask if I needed medication? No, of course not. He took them. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I thought he really loved me, but no one does.
Overwhelmed.
How can I do this? I am pushed to my physical limits now, and the Stake camp people want even more. I am so overwhelmed. I can't help but wonder why God put me in this position. I do a terrible job. The only reason ONLY REASON that the YW program in my ward works is because the kids have no where else to go on Sundays and Wednesdays. God! How can you expect me to do this? I don't know who to call to be camp director. I don't know who to call to help with mutual. Half my leaders don't come half the time...What am I doing leading young people anyway. What freaking thing can they learn from me. I can't stand this. I am so sorry that...what? I don't know...God! I need your help! please...
More failure...
I wonder why I am here. What good am I doing? I don't seem to have any influence on anyone that matters. I have so much to do, I have so little time. I love God so much. I love my family and friends and those I am responsible for so much, why is it that can't seem to help them to understand what is needed to keep them safe from the adversary. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I don't know if I am making mistakes now. I work hard to try to keep the commandments. I hate the fact that I can't help them see what the truth is. I wonder what good I do. Probably nothing...it's like I am on a treadmill, running, but getting nowhere. I am sorry that I am not making any sense. I know I don't make a difference in anyone's life. I don't help them become closer to God either. I am so worried that I have screwed lives up so much they cannot ever be fixed. That nothing will ever make things right. God, please, please help my family. Keep them from the things that hurt them. I would give up anything to bring them to thee. Please. please, please...what should I do?
Who am I? Someone with no influence....
I wish I knew. I wish that I could make a difference in my families lives. I am afraid I am going to loose two of my children and it terrifies me. How can I bear to loose my children? How can I bear to loose any of my family. I hate this.
Failure
I failed my children. I did not do what needed to be done. I have failed them and they as a result are making mistakes that are my fault. God forgive them, please put the blame on me where it belongs. Please.
I don't like to read scriptures.
I want to like to read them, but I don't I don't know what to do to change that either...I still read them though.
Lonely
I am so lonely. I am depressed. I nearly had to rape my husband last night so he would notice me. Oh, how much I wish he would be just a little bit more romantic, something...I don't know what...I am just lonely and depressed.
Caffeine
So I was trying to unbury my car from the two feet of snow it was buried under. I asked God for help because I was so tired. Immediately He said He could not help me since I had been drinking caffeine. I tried to argue with God about whether or not I should drink caffeinated drinks anymore...I actually tried to argue with Him. Stupid...stupid...stupid. I'm sorry. I know I should not drink caffeine, I know it. At least not in soda. I guess I am going to switch to water. Just water. I don't want to either. I LIKE soda, I LIKE the way it tastes. I like to drink sweet syrupy delicious soda. *sigh* Why am I so self destructive? Why do I often do the wrong thing? Not good. NOT GOOD! Please God, help me to get better.
Stupid, stupid, stupid...
So I was in a meeting today, and the meeting facilitator asked if I had anything I needed to discuss, and I said no, we are just fine, no concerns or anything to discuss...MISTAKE! He laughed, asked what was my secret? He wanted to know how to make everything fine. I was embarrassed. I really do have concerns, just nothing different. I don't know how to fix the problems I have, how could I even recognize any new ones...Lord forgive me for my foolishness. Unprepared not good...next time i will have something to discuss. something to discuss, anything to keep the focus of a meeting off of me. Sometimes I really think these meetings don't really accomplish anything. I mean, what changes do we make> What do we do to help our friends, our jobs? What a sad sad meeting this was for me.
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