Alone

You know, I was talking with my family this afternoon about being alone. I could do the alone thing. It would probably be better for my family if I could leave them. I am a lousy mother and grandmother. Even worse at being a daughter and sister and cousin and aunt. Then even worse at being a friend. I am so tired of not being good enough, not being able to take care of myself or anyone else. If I were alone, then maybe I would not hurt so many people. If I died God would punish me. Eternal punishment. But who am I kidding, I am headed that way anyway. I can't measure up to the high standards of God's kingdom here on earth let alone in anything like heaven. I would never kill myself, but oh how much I wish I could die. An accident. Am illness. I would not, will not fight death. I should be taken and put out of the world's misery.

Can I win the prize?

Mosiah 4:27 man should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize.

Diligent. Not really a word I think I would use to describe myself. Patient maybe. Kind, yes. Diligent, hardworking, not so much. God, I have so much I need to do to be better. I really do. And I try hard, but it doesn't work so much. Not so much at all.

Realization

Today I realized that there is no one who loves me more than they love themselves. I mean, how miserable is that. I ran out of medications last night and gave Robert the last tylenol. Today, he pulls two tylenol from his coat pocket. Did he ask if I needed medication? No, of course not. He took them. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I thought he really loved me, but no one does.

Overwhelmed.

How can I do this? I am pushed to my physical limits now, and the Stake camp people want even more. I am so overwhelmed. I can't help but wonder why God put me in this position. I do a terrible job. The only reason ONLY REASON that the YW program in my ward works is because the kids have no where else to go on Sundays and Wednesdays. God! How can you expect me to do this? I don't know who to call to be camp director. I don't know who to call to help with mutual. Half my leaders don't come half the time...What am I doing leading young people anyway. What freaking thing can they learn from me. I can't stand this. I am so sorry that...what? I don't know...God! I need your help! please...