Death by bleed out sounds wonderful right now...

More failure...

I wonder why I am here. What good am I doing? I don't seem to have any influence on anyone that matters. I have so much to do, I have so little time. I love God so much. I love my family and friends and those I am responsible for so much, why is it that can't seem to help them to understand what is needed to keep them safe from the adversary. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I don't know if I am making mistakes now. I work hard to try to keep the commandments. I hate the fact that I can't help them see what the truth is. I wonder what good I do. Probably nothing...it's like I am on a treadmill, running, but getting nowhere. I am sorry that I am not making any sense. I know I don't make a difference in anyone's life. I don't help them become closer to God either. I am so worried that I have screwed lives up so much they cannot ever be fixed. That nothing will ever make things right. God, please, please help my family. Keep them from the things that hurt them. I would give up anything to bring them to thee. Please. please, please...what should I do?

Who am I? Someone with no influence....

I wish I knew. I wish that I could make a difference in my families lives. I am afraid I am going to loose two of my children and it terrifies me. How can I bear to loose my children? How can I bear to loose any of my family. I hate this.

Failure

I failed my children. I did not do what needed to be done. I have failed them and they as a result are making mistakes that are my fault. God forgive them, please put the blame on me where it belongs. Please.

I don't like to read scriptures.

I want to like to read them, but I don't I don't know what to do to change that either...I still read them though.

There has to be more than this to a perfect life!

Lonely

I am so lonely. I am depressed. I nearly had to rape my husband last night so he would notice me. Oh, how much I wish he would be just a little bit more romantic, something...I don't know what...I am just lonely and depressed.

Caffeine

So I was trying to unbury my car from the two feet of snow it was buried under. I asked God for help because I was so tired. Immediately He said He could not help me since I had been drinking caffeine. I tried to argue with God about whether or not I should drink caffeinated drinks anymore...I actually tried to argue with Him. Stupid...stupid...stupid. I'm sorry. I know I should not drink caffeine, I know it. At least not in soda. I guess I am going to switch to water. Just water. I don't want to either. I LIKE soda, I LIKE the way it tastes. I like to drink sweet syrupy delicious soda. *sigh* Why am I so self destructive? Why do I often do the wrong thing? Not good. NOT GOOD! Please God, help me to get better.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

So I was in a meeting today, and the meeting facilitator asked if I had anything I needed to discuss, and I said no, we are just fine, no concerns or anything to discuss...MISTAKE! He laughed, asked what was my secret? He wanted to know how to make everything fine. I was embarrassed. I really do have concerns, just nothing different. I don't know how to fix the problems I have, how could I even recognize any new ones...Lord forgive me for my foolishness. Unprepared not good...next time i will have something to discuss. something to discuss, anything to keep the focus of a meeting off of me. Sometimes I really think these meetings don't really accomplish anything. I mean, what changes do we make> What do we do to help our friends, our jobs? What a sad sad meeting this was for me.