Alone

You know, I was talking with my family this afternoon about being alone. I could do the alone thing. It would probably be better for my family if I could leave them. I am a lousy mother and grandmother. Even worse at being a daughter and sister and cousin and aunt. Then even worse at being a friend. I am so tired of not being good enough, not being able to take care of myself or anyone else. If I were alone, then maybe I would not hurt so many people. If I died God would punish me. Eternal punishment. But who am I kidding, I am headed that way anyway. I can't measure up to the high standards of God's kingdom here on earth let alone in anything like heaven. I would never kill myself, but oh how much I wish I could die. An accident. Am illness. I would not, will not fight death. I should be taken and put out of the world's misery.